Fear is just a mirage.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly" - Richard Bach

I wrote an article recently (“how to stop worrying too much”) in which I gave some tips about overcoming some of our day-to-day worries. I’ve received comments from readers that thought it was very useful; others, instead, felt that it helped them to relax, but still, they felt overwhelmed by problems. Their problems are real, tangible and specific. They are economic, professional, sentimental or health related problems. I understand that the clues given in that article had two purposes:

1. To let people differentiate worries from problems,

2. To help adopt the best attitude to confront both.

However, I think I missed the opportunity to mention something about why we are not more open to finding alternative solutions. That is why, today, we are going to talk about fear; because fear is what stops us most of the time from finding better solutions to our problems.

Fear is the most important factor preventing us from creating the life we want to have. For instance, when somebody suffers an unhappy marriage for years, the fundamental reason behind why they do not get a divorce, is fear.

• Fear of the other person’s reaction.

• Fear of society’s response

• Fear of making our economic situation more difficult

• Fear of the emotional implications for our children

• Fear of being alone

The list is never ending. It is the same when we keep a job that is far from fulfilling. We are scared to leave something that is giving us a certain amount of security, social or professional status. Also fear of the possibility of not finding anything better. We are afraid of poverty, failure, and loneliness. Moving, making new friends, listening to people with different ideas from ours, making mistakes, even getting older or not having a large bank account are things that scare us. Why? What is behind the fear we find when we confront the possibility of changing the status quo of our life?

Fear is produced by a previous experience or because we have the idea the that something can bad will happen, or a combination of both circumstances. For instance, we are scared of a plane because it could crash and have a fatal accident; we fear poverty because we were poor at some point in time or because we have seen the problems that poverty causes. We are well aware of the extreme consequences, that, in some cases, can even threaten our survival. This is the same for the fear of loneliness or disease. Nevertheless, in reality whether we have lived these experiences first hand or not, fear belongs to the realm of thoughts and imagination, not in the real present moment. We can say for sure that fear is something as imaginary as the weapons of mass destruction of some countries: just a hypothetical possibility.

When we let our fears run rampage we focus our attention in one of the results that can happen, and we forget that there are other possibilities that may be much more positive. Of the people I know that are happy, some have married more than once, or they have changed careers, countries, or even religion. What they have in common is that they are able to assume that when something is not working for them, it is possible to change it for the good. In fact, we have the duty and the ability to change it. On the other hand, people that are dragging around a lack of happiness for years, almost invariably, they have in common that they feel trapped in a reality for which they don’t feel they can escape, because of fear of the consequences. What they don’t realize is that negative consequences are already in their present situation. In reality they are turning their backs upon a world of possibilities that can open up solely by starting moving towards a change.

Some time ago I read a beautiful story about the possibilities that change offers. A Zen monk arrived one night with his master to an old house in the mountains. The owner was very poor, and he lived precariously with his family off of what a malnourished cow produced. That was their only possession and income source, so they looked after it very carefully thinking it was the only thing that allowed them to survive. Despite their precariously situation, they were very hospitable with their guests, giving hem room and food. In the morning, the thankful monk said to his master how much he would like to help this family. The master, agreeing with this noble sentiment, orders him to throw the cow over the cliff. The horrified monk obeyed. A few years later, the monk, now independent from his master, happened to be back in the same area. Still full of remorse for his action, he decided to go to the house of the family, with the intention of making amends for his terrible action. When he arrived, he almost could not recognize the place. The garden was well looked after and the house looked beautiful. There were cows, chickens and sheep’s in the space next to the house. So he knocked the door. The same man that had hosted him some years ago opened the door. He invited him in and he asked to him to stay for dinner. The monk talked about how much had changed and how well everything looked. The Host smiled, “We were not so well off before” But one day, the cow that we had disappeared, at that moment we realized that our future was in our hands as we had nothing left to lose. We all started thinking about what we wanted to do, and that way we discovered our purpose in life. Since then we have followed it and we are no longer in shortage. To lose that cow was the best that could have happened to us. Finally, the monk understood in that moment the lesson that his master had gave him some years earlier. We are the only ones with the power to change our situation and to decide how we want our life to be, we just need to be conscious of it and liberate ourselves from the fear of change.

If there is anything in your life that makes you unhappy, start by accepting that it can be changed. Open yourself to the possibility of finishing with that situation, but this time, instead of recreating in your mind everything negative that could happen with that change, focus upon thinking about all the positive that can come with also. When something is scary or it makes us worry, we usually visualize again and again everything that can go wrong. Lets use the same technique that we have already mastered, however, this time we will recreate the possibilities of everything getting better, or, at least, that we can liberate ourselves from what it was making us unhappy. Visualize a short, medium and long term view of a positive result for everybody related to the issue. If you make a decision in a positive way, with the intention that the result is a general benefit, that is how it will be. Otherwise it is wise to remember that as of now you may have 10 years of an unhappy marriage or a job that you hate. Five years from now if you don’t change that will be 15 years.

So, why throw away your life like that? what are you waiting to take control of your life ? What are you afraid of ?